The holiday season is a most magical time filled with reindeer that fly ahead of a giant sled, driven by a 100-year-old fat man who never dies or ages. It’s a time filled with elves (not the ones on the shelf) who make toys for all the good girls and boys that the 100-year-old jolly man delivers via chimneys that exist in exactly 1 percent of homes.
And because of all this magic that exists at this time of year, we can’t see any reason why the holidays can’t bring any or all of the following that is no doubt on every ultrarunner’s holiday wish list.
Shoes that regenerate themselves
When you finally find that pair of shoes that you love and that no doubt love you back, it is a special moment — that only lasts so long. After putting hundreds (and hundreds) of miles on them, you go to buy another pair only to find that the shoe model is discontinued or has changed. You start kicking yourself for not stocking up on them when you had the chance, but realize that the chance was never a reality because running shoes are EXPENSIVE.
Shoes that regenerate themselves every 300-500 miles would solve all of the above problems.
A self-drying jacket
Now, if you didn’t read that with a subsequent digitized voice that said, “Your jacket is now dry,” then you are an uncultured non-Generation X-er who needs to binge watch some “Back to the Future.” If you did, then you are likely still wondering why it is almost 2019, and there is still no self-drying jacket (or real hoverboard).
Sure, we have moisture-wicking layers that repel water, but a jacket that blows air and talks to you would just be awesome.
Magic running clothes
While the above two could qualify under this category, we think it would be super cool to have running clothes that doubled as work/everyday clothes that repel dirt and mud and don’t stink despite your insatiable talent for creating body odors. This way you could spend more time running and less time showering. Ain’t nobody got time to shower and change, amiright?
A water bladder that doesn’t freeze
Sure, there are tricks and hacks to prevent water bladders from freezing while on that long, winter run — like blowing back into the hose after taking a sip. But have you tried to blow when your lips are numb?! Uh-uh. It doesn’t work, and you are now stuck with a frozen hose and a bladder filled with water you can’t access. It is pure torture.
This needs to be a thing. Really, it does.
A GPS watch that drops breadcrumbs so you don’t get lost
Wouldn’t it be nice to have a GPS watch that also left actual breadcrumbs so that you could easily find your way back home after you escape from the cannibalistic witch who lives in the candy house? Hashtag: Hansel and Gretel.
Oh, wait, there is one of those. Still, breadcrumbs might be an added luxury if you need a snack on the way back — but they must be salted banana-nut breadcrumbs to load you with the potassium, protein, carbs, and salt you need to make it back home nutritionally sound.
A rattlesnake detector
Mid-summer trail runs in the desert can be quite enjoyable — unless you have a fear of rattlesnakes lurking around every corner. Sure, the rattle is a good indicator that you are trekking close to danger, but it would be nice to have a little heads-up before being paralyzed and immovable by fear.
This detector would tell you the exact location of any rattlesnakes within a mile radius so that you can avoid infected areas and/or spend the entire run in full knowledge that you are surrounded.
A remote that pauses time while you run
Getting out for a long run is a wonderful use of time, however, if you’re a human with responsibilities outside of spending hours logging miles, you still have things waiting for you to do when you get back home or to work. Is it too much to ask for a remote that pauses time while you run so that you don’t miss a beat? Why yes, yes it would.
A race entry tree
Forget a money tree, because money can so easily be spent on other things like food and bills. But, a race entry can only be used for the intended purpose. Yes, a race entry tree. That would be nice.
A self-propelled jogging stroller
Yes, yes, a jogging stroller is great for resistance training, but man, sometimes the resistance you get from that screaming toddler is about all you can handle. A self-propelled jogging stroller — not too dissimilar from a lawnmower that has been around for decades, mind you — would be much appreciated. You could decide when/if you need help propelling forward — like on hills and times when you realize you can’t handle the screaming and frequent stops due to your child constantly throwing his sippy cup. You would still need to run to keep it moving, but it would make your load just a little lighter.
Teleporting capabilities would be great for so many reasons. Perhaps you went a little too long on your long run, and you still have a 45-minute drive home and no time to do that. Just hop in your car and teleport home. Actually, you probably would have teleported there, to begin with, so no need for a car — #technicalities.
A teleporter would also be great for those times when you’re tired of the same old runs and would love to run in the Trans Alps or Spain. Just teleport there and experience miles and miles in a foreign land and be home in time for lunch.
One can wish — especially at this most magical time of the year.