Eat, Consume, Relax: A Guide to Normalcy
Living awesome is so exhausting… Mountain summits for breakfast? 100 mile runs on vacation? I’m going on a run babe, see you tomorrow? How did my life come to this? If ultrarunning and endurance sports are as good as I believe them to be, how come there are so few of us living this epic life? Some days I wonder what it’s like to be a “normal” person. I mean…I see normal people sometimes. I see them when I’m driving to the trail head or at the grocery store mostly. I see lots of normal people at Walmart. To make it easy on myself, I have lumped “normal” people into their own coterie. They smoke cigarettes, eat deep fried food, and spend lots of money they don’t have. When it comes to understanding each another, they don’t understand my world any better than I understand theirs. I think the human species may be, in fact, splitting into two different branches…
This is a crucial time in human history friends. In evolutionary times, the survival of the fittest meant that traits such as endurance, adaptation, team work, physical prowess, and/or intelligence allowed the “strongest” to survive. It seems, this idea of being strong, fit, or adaptive is long by the wayside. Demonstrated so beautifully in the Disney classic, “Wall-E”, many humans are headed for a life where they’re ultimate goal is do live each day without doing anything. With every apparent need met, they sit peacefully and drink soda between giant meals. The good life!
Well, I’m going out on a limb here. I propose we leave some bread crumbs for the future paleontologists who will be searching the digital records for the moment in history when modern humans spit into two distinct categories. If I’m correct, we are at that point right about now. OK, we may very well be at the crux of this split. In an effort to help any of you out there who want to go back down the road and get on the regular bus…here are a few tips about how to live a normal life. The last thing I would ever want is for someone to be forced into a life of exhausting endurance sports where everyone runs, rides, or climbs all day long. For those of you who want to go back to normalcy, remember it’s as easy as “Eat, Consume, Relax!”
Eat all kinds of crap. It’s not about being full or satisfied. You have to get food all wrapped up in your emotions. I’m not totally sure how to do that, but I have seen some daytime shows and I think it involves eating at night when everyone is asleep. That’s a good place to start. Just eat food, preferably processed food with lots of sugar and artificial color. Go for bagged foods or boxed meals. You can do it.
When the waitress hands you the bill and says, “Did you save any room for dessert?” Order that cheesecake. Eat until you pass out because that’s the normal way. Then thrown down your credit card and burp. You only live once. The only thing that will make you feel better is food so don’t stray from your destiny. You were born to eat, consume, and relax. Enjoy life!
Drive everywhere and make sure you have a giant SUV. Drive to the store to buy more food. Then circle around the parking lot and don’t settle for anything less than the closest parking spot to the front door. (You don’t want to exercise any more than you have to.)
When you get inside the store, find the electric cart and put your Big Gulp in the drink holder. Take that puppy straight to the soda aisle…Dr. Pepper is on sale. Load that basket up with all the good stuff. Make sure you get bacon and ice cream. If they ask if you want help loading your car, I’m sure you’ll know what to say. You might want to smoke a cigarette before you leave the parking lot.
Buy stuff. Buy cheap plastic shit online and over the phone. Have it sent right to your house and leave it in the box until you completely forget what it is. Then, when you do eventually open it, it will be an amazing surprise. Celebrate consumption. It’s your duty. If you don’t like it, throw it in the trash or your front yard.
Make money. You need lots of money to be happy so do whatever it takes to accumulate money, or at least, make it look like you have plenty of it. You can do it the old fashioned way and work for a living or, perhaps you can marry a rich person or inherit wealth from you hard working family. At all costs, exude a sense of entitlement over others because you are much more important.
Avoid exercise. If you do find yourself in a weird situation where you have to exercise, move for 20 minutes and immediately stop. You’ll probably be in a gym so find the stop button before you even start. Remember, the only reason to exercise is to lose weight so get the most out of your workout by doing the latest fad diet at the same time. The best time (and only time) to modify your food intake is in the 2 months prior to summer. I recommend those diets where you can eat lots of bacon, butter, and cheese. Remember, always emphasize easy effort and thoughtless existence. I’m working on a book about dieting based on the warmed food at 7-11 stores. Or I might go all-in with the “Truck Stop Diet”.
Lastly, take pills. When you’re normal, you’ll have a host of health issues. You should probably start with some pills for cholesterol, high blood pressure, and type 2 diabetes. If you’re overweight, even by overweight standards, have them suck out your fat or get that surgery done. Guys, you will want a few boxes of those pills for erectile dysfunction. No matter what, you don’t want to be aware of your existence so tell your doctor what anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills are right for you. No worries, before long, you will be able to get all this in a vending machine from your floating chair. No no! Don’t get up! Stay there….relax my friend.
I’m really exhausted from writing this. If you need me, I’ll be out running.